It has been many years since I have seen or talked to my Dad, not by choice but that is the way life worked out. Since he passed away on July 4, 2011, Father's Day has been harder for me to get through than ever. It was always hard since we had last spoken in 2002, but now it is just different as I know I will never get that chance again to spend a Father's Day with him. The last time I saw him was at my sister Jenny's wedding. I can still see him standing by the door yelling bye to me and me running the other direction as I did not want to deal with him. He had so many problems, but the drinking was the worst one of them all. The alcohol tore our family apart to the point of no matter what I said or did the alcohol always won.
It was not always bad, he tried hard to be a good Dad teaching me to play the organ and to drive, but the alcohol always won. Finally it got so bad that we needed to cut him out of our lives, something that deeply hurt each of his daughters to do. He was not there at some very important times in our lives, he decided not to walk me down the aisle at my wedding nor meet any of my children. Through it all I always believed one day he would wake up and come to his senses, but that never happened and it won't happen--the alcohol always won. It was the alcohol not him, that is what I always told myself and that allowed me to move forward in life without him in it.
There are many fond memories I have of him which I want to remember today. One of the best is the day he decided to adopt me as his own daughter something he did not have to do. Other memories include listening to him play in his band back in the day, him trying to teach me to swim and water ski and still trying even though I was and always will be terrified of water, and as I said he also tried to teach me to play the organ but I only got so far before he realized I was never going to be interested enough, but he still tried. Teaching me to drive must have been quite the task for him the day he asked if I saw the parked van two feet from our car. I try to remember the birthdays he celebrated with us, the trips to the zoo and Great America, that is the Dad I want to remember today. No matter what, I can say his intentions were always to protect and love his daughters. Just last night I was going through an old box of greeting cards and found one he gave me for my 16th birthday signed "Daddy Dearest". I am glad I have this card as in the fit of anger I got rid of many of these kinds of items as not to be reminded of things I did not want to remember.
It hurts badly when I see all the facebook pictures and posts of people with their Dads, I so wish that my relationship with my Dad could have continued into his old age, but this was not in God's plan for him. To those people I would say to cherish every moment you have with your Dad as a Father's love is one of a kind.
So today, this post is my way of saying "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DAD" you are missed. RIP.
AG
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